My hands stop me from writing.

Writing should not be a chore of mine. But unfortunately, more often than not, it is. I remember when I was younger, from the time I was a child until I was about 16 I loved to write. Write stories, songs, scripts, in my journal… I wrote constantly. I also painted, filmed movies with my friends, and just found creative things to do to kill time in such a small town. Now, I feel like I’ve lost all of it. Even during my solo show process of writing I felt I wasn’t being creative, imaginative, or daring. Granted, it was a piece of non-fiction about my own experiences, but still. If I could access the endless creativity I once found flowing through me, I would be much happier.

If I had to pinpoint a certain cause/affect it would be my anxiety. I have had severe anxiety since I was about 14/15. I have gotten numerous panic attacks in the last years and it is still a common knowledge to myself and Alexander that they can occur almost any time (though we both can now tell when they are and begin to slow it down or stop it), and can be found fidgeting with a tic of tapping my fingers when I am anxious, nervous, and especially daydreaming. See, this tic is kind of hard to explain unless you see it. I have two stages: One is that I rub my hands together very fast until it hurts. Usually my rings turn around and the diamonds begin to scrape my skin. If I’m especially anxious, I’ll take the rings off and continue, but I try not to do this. The other stage a lot of my friends find funny, and I do too if I’m in the right mood and am able to laugh about it. I have my thumb and index finger out, and without effort, move my hands so that my index finger rapidly taps against my thumb. These tics occur the most when I am daydreaming, and sometimes if I’m having anxiety.

I started having these when I was about 13. I daydreamed constantly, and still do. I went to therapy when I was 16/17 and confessed what I did and they thought I had ADD. Then they thought I had bipolar disorder. They attempted to put me on medication but I refused. I don’t feel I have either of these things. From then on I think my imagination was crippled. I felt ashamed of my habit and tic. I find myself only accessing my imagination when I’m alone, but quickly cut it off as soon as my hands start responding to my brain. I feel embarrassed and confused as to why I need to do it. Sometimes I don’t even realize it if I’m really lost in a thought and suddenly see my hands moving and stop immediately.

What do I daydream about? Everything. Being on stage. On the red carpet. Singing. Having babies and being a mom. Moving. Having fights. Other paths my life could have taken… Seriously, anything and everything. This happens a lot when I’m listening to music and usually the direction that the daydreaming episode takes is mostly dependent on the feel of the song. I don’t know how to really access these thoughts, or if I should. How often do I daydream? It really depends but I find myself fidgeting at least once a day, sometimes for up to ten minutes or more. When I daydream I begin to feel somewhat hyper, I can bounce on a chair or bed I’m sitting on, pace wildly, and again, fidget with my hands.

I just felt like I had to write this down and try to describe it or explain it because no one could ever tell me why I did this. Just that I was ADD or Bipolar. I know myself and I honestly feel in my heart of hearts this is just not true. I know this blog may read like the opposite, but this is a very sensitive and personal subject for me and I have a hard time walking through it piece by piece. I am going to leave this post unedited and try not to judge it. Please feel free to comment and share your own experiences if you have a similar one.

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