Happy Endings

Well, I haven’t blogged the entire month of April, and for that I really do have to apologize. But if you’d been keeping up with me up until then you know why… The one person show. And now that process is over, and I’m at a loss for what to think or feel. Right now I’m simply exhausted. I’ve been sick for the past week and still have this nasty cough, and sleep is the only thing on my mind. But I have one more week of school! Amazing and scary at how fast this year has flown by. In two weeks I’ll be back in America with my family (minus one husband and one pup) and it seems as if I was just there. Amazing.

But back on track: the solo show. I’ll soon be adding video and pictures as they arrive. But I’ll just write about the experience. It was the most terrifying and the most rewarding thing I’ve done in… Well, as long as I can remember. I was more nervous going on that stage than when I was about to walk down the aisle (there has to be something seriously wrong with me.) Wait, hold on, let’s step back. From the beginning of this assignment I felt I was at a loss. I didn’t know what to write about, what kind of message I wanted to share, or if I wanted to perform at all. But I’m glad I was brave enough to write my own history and brave enough to present it for people. Once I started writing I just kept going, and now I’m inspired to trust myself and know I can write something of value. I hope this Summer to keep writing scenes and perhaps even a full play, but we’ll see what happens. I know I’ll keep up on the blog though ;)

Before I went on stage I was pacing, simply horrified. About 2 hours before I broke down crying, so nervous. That has never happened to me in my life. But it’s not like I could simply walk out. People were expecting a show, and I could not let them down (either by bailing, or by giving them a shit performance.) And even though my show is called Digital Love, during this process I was about a minute away from swearing off technology all together. In my first drafts of the show I created a powerpoint that had background, video, and pictures. Then when my computer was failing me I decided I would just have the video come at one point in the play. The projector would turn on, the screen would come down, the video would play and all would be right in the world… Yeah right. I’m sitting on stage and the projector screen starts to come down. Then abruptly stops. Then it finishes rolling down but there’s no video. Then there’s video but there’s no sound. I sat on stage wondering what I should do. Should I say something? Skip over? What?! It felt like hours before the video actually worked, even though I’m sure it was only a minute or two. It completely threw me off my game. I skipped over lines, lost my place, and was just disappointed with the show. Alexander told me I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but I couldn’t help it. I wanted everything to be perfect. But i should know by now nothing ever is in cases like this… This is a learning process. So it shouldn’t go perfectly.

The next show I fixed my powerpoint and was able to skip the whole idea of the screen coming down, which I was quite happy about. But the video played early on out of nowhere and the projector disconnected at one point, leaving a huge, white “Acer” logo on my stage. I just had to power through, and I think I did, This show was being filmed and I that is kind of a bummer, but what can you do? It’s live theater and technology dependent… A recipe for disaster! :)

Then there was the last show. A sold out audience. And lo and behold, there was nothing wrong with my powerpoint, my music, or my cues. I had fun for the first time on stage that weekend. It just went smoothly. I gained energy throughout the show and feel that I connected with the audience. I did something I can be proud of.

And on top of that? We made a profit! After covering all of our expenses (that were about 5000 kr) we still had 2000 kr left over which I think is just amazing and am so happy about. That money will go into our class next year when run our theater company. I have a lot to look forward to.

And now I’m in my last week of school. Like I said, I just find it unreal and so hard to believe that I’ve already finished my first year. Time flies when you have a life. I reflect back on where I was a year ago. Still without a visa, depressed, no school or job to speak of. Now I have performed a piece I wrote myself in a foreign country, and even got people to come. I have close friends and family that are my life. I have goals and deadlines and work to do… And I wouldn’t want it any other way. I feel like I’m living a life of value, that I’ve made my own home here in Oslo and I’m happy that I have. I am proud of myself. I am proud I was brave enough to ever move here in the first place, brave enough to stick out when it seemed like I would never have a life here, and brave enough to go up on a stage in front of an audience of strangers and tell that story.

I think I can allow myself to be proud of that.

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