The Almost Forgotten Post

I don’t even know where to begin with this post. Earlier this morning I was trying to figure out what to write about and I really couldn’t think of anything. I wanted to create some post with a purpose, a message, a story, anything to make it interesting and I really couldn’t come up with anything. But, as we’re learning in school, I should just write. Write just to write so that I’ll be better at it and then maybe next week I’ll have an interesting post.

So what to write about? This week has been crazy… Like all weeks; but this one was crazier. Just a lot going on at school, and I worked more than usual, and I’m attached to a play that I’m going to be performing in just a few short weeks. Needless to say I have a lot on my plate. It’s funny how life changes in such a short time. Less than 6 months ago I was praying for a schedule, a task, a goal other than cleaning my apartment for the 14th time that week. I had no job, no school to go to, only my laptop and my tv. I don’t even wanna think about how many brain cells I lost by watching episodes of Judge Judy… Yikes. Now I have tasks, goals, deadlines, places to go, people to see, things to remember. I really do love it, I can’t say anything short of that. But I’m still human, and I still wear thin sometimes.

My teacher said something to me this week that has been sticking in the back of my mind ever since. He was critiquing a presentation in my Movement class and just my performance at school in general and said something along the lines of, “Rachael, I sense that you’re holding back something, you’re not letting it show. I don’t know why, and I’m just waiting for it. I’m just waiting.” This was a profound moment for me. Sitting there, in my peripheral vision seeing my classmates staring at me waiting for something as well, a reaction? A response? I have no idea. I just wanted to focus on what my teacher had said.

I’ve been struggling with some stuff lately. I’ve been really homesick even though it’s only 34 days (can you tell I’ve been counting?) until I’m home for 3 weeks for Christmas. I miss my dad a lot, even though I ‘see’ him every Sunday at 7PM. I miss my mom even though we haven’t spoken in months. What my teacher said made me think about all those things. I don’t know what I’m supposed to bring out, what is even inside of me that I’m not showing. I know I’ve never been the most open person in the world, I tend to build walls in my life to protect myself. I have since I was a kid. I’ve been an adult since I was 12. This is why people don’t understand why I’m 20 and married, and why my husband is 28. Why I like to cook and clean and was never a big partier in high school. Because I’ve been grown up for a long time.

I feel like here in Oslo, at school, I’m finally able to let loose a little. It’s ok to be young and a little stupid. It’s ok to be goofy and silly and make an ass out of myself. This Friday after work I went over to a friend’s house to make her and another friend of mine Sloppy Joe’s and play XBox Lips, and then go out drinking. I have to take a second to really appreciate these people in my life. They know me, how serious I can take myself, and how totally freaky and immature I can be too, and they love me for it. They don’t judge me for being married at 20, or for acting like a 6-year-old sometimes.

It still hurts when people react negatively when they hear I’m married. Or when they flash me a judgmental look when I say something stupid just for the sake of saying it. I have to remind myself they don’t really know me, and if they did, they wouldn’t react the way they do. I think because I’m still sensitive to this maybe that’s why I’m holding back. I don’t know. Like I said, I don’t even know what I’m holding back yet. I’m gonna try my best to find out what it is though, and just bring it. Be the best damn me I can be; and I’m gonna be awesome.

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